I Want to Kill Myself

“I feel like killing myself”.

Oh come on now. Don’t look at me like that. We’ve all said this to ourselves at some point of time in our lives. You know ... those dreary and obscure moments when things seem to be going horribly wrong. It is something we often... oops... seldom... tell ourselves in moments of isolation. A hint of retrospection that takes us a few ticks of the clock back in time when we analyse and over analyse and over analyse and over analyse our apparent mistakes and finally conclude that we’re doomed to be failures... that nothing can ever go right for us... that the only solution is to end it all and gently sink into oblivion. An “escape”, as some might choose to call it is something we’ve all thought of, be it just for a fraction of a second or years at end.

Sometimes it’s just our curiosity that makes us want to kill ourselves. What? Aren’t you curious about what happens after death? I know I am. And what better way to find out then kill ourselves? I mean... nobody is going to kill you just because you asked them to? Why should they? Our governments have laws forbidding these kinds of things. And if they were to get caught, they could be put away in those dark and dingy cells for years while you’re bouncing up and down in the clouds of heaven or sipping margaritas and basking under the suns of hell. That just wouldn’t be fair now would it? Hence kill yourself... go ahead... find out... and leave a comment describing how it feels on my blog. J

 So why don’t we do it?

Before I answer that, one first needs to understand why people DID commit suicide in the first place. Note how I used “did” instead of “do”. My grammar Nazi mother will be so proud!

Jokes aside, my quest took me far away from my humble dwelling in Noida. I had to traverse the seven seas, scale the highest speaks and burrow through the most desolate rain forests of South America. I had breakfast with the Dalai Lama, lunch with the renowned German scholar and anthropologist, Dr. Adolf Schweinsteiger and supper with the infamous Wakataki tribe witch doctor.

I returned home in an auto rickshaw, an enlightened soul. I finally had my answer - they all made a mistake.

Believe me when I say this, if every individual who had committed suicide could rewind back 5 minutes before they actually did, there is a huge possibility they would change their minds. No matter how much of time and planning you invest, you’re never fully certain you want to go ahead with it until those final few seconds. How am I so sure of myself? Simple... try talking to people who have actually tried committing suicide and yet failed due to unforeseen circumstances – The fall wasn’t hard enough, the medication wasn’t strong enough, the knife wasn’t sharp enough and so on and so forth. None of them would make a second attempt.

For what it’s worth, read this article: http://ladyarse.co.uk/2012/09/football-isnt-life-or-death/

This might sound clichéd but it’s true in every sense. If you(yeah you, Mr/Ms. suicide attempter) remained in purgatory long enough to see the amount of sorrow your death would cause, you would feel like killing yourself (if that made sense). Because no matter how resentful, depressed, bitter, despondent, remorseful you might feel; the loss of your life would be infinitely more tragic to the people who care about you. Don’t even think about telling me no one does, because you are too blind and naive to accept what is, because you take for granted the ones that do.

Ok so I lied... sigh. I didn’t actually meet with the witch doctor of the Wakataki tribe in the Amazon rainforest. I used Google. It’s amazing what you can find out from the internet these days. They have everything. Though on the other hand, if Indiana Jones had Google, we would never have had “Raiders of the Lost Ark” now would we?

Anyway, coming to part 2 – Why DON’T people commit suicide? Before I get into that, here’s an interesting statistic for you: 100% of all living human beings who’ve considered committing suicide are still alive. Hee hee hee.

While rummaging through the internet I became acquainted with a peculiar term: Suicide Survivor. Your first guess is as good as mine... but we’re both wrong. The term “Suicide Survivor” does not refer to someone who has attempted suicide and failed but the loved ones the victim left behind. If you happen to be a suicide survivor, you might find my satirical humour unamusing or rather quite slanderous. I apologise if I have hurt your sentiments in anyway, but I must ask you this: Is your anger aimed at the things I have said or at the person you’ve lost? Do you forgive him/her for taking his/her life away from you?

If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll know I like blending in bits of humour with my work to mitigate the solemness of the situation. No one enjoys having to endure pain and suffering. Thomas Jefferson defined it as “the right to the pursuit of happiness”. Because that’s what life is all about - A world devoid of pain and suffering. Isn’t that what we’re all striving towards?

Somewhere along those lines lies the answer to my second question. And now I speak to the lot of you undergoing so called emotional turmoil. If it helps, I used to be one of them.

When you stand on top of the roof with your arms outstretched mimicking the Christ Redeemer, what stops you from taking the ultimate plunge? Do you suddenly see the bright light at the end of the tunnel? Does a bolt from the blue epiphanise your existence? Does an inner voice cleanse your soul and add deeper meaning to your life? Bullshit! You’re all scared aren’t you? I don’t blame you. Who wouldn’t be? Hell knows what awaits you in the afterlife. What guarantee is it that things down there won’t be worse than things up here?

Fact is, no matter how many times you tell yourself that things can’t possibly get worse, that you’ve had enough and simply can’t take it anymore, there is a tiny voice inside you that says, “fuck this shit, let’s see how things go today. I’ll jump tomorrow. I don’t know which son of Einstein came up with the quote but it couldn’t be more true in this regard – Tomorrow never comes.

You can always find a reason to live. For something as vast as changing the world or something as minuscule as watching the next episode of “How I Met Your Mother” ... come on!!! Don’t you at least want to live long enough to find out who the mother is?

The problem is that sometimes, we’re too exhausted to search for reasons. We brandish our hardships (not to the world mind you, but to ourselves. This is an internal conflict) to such an extent that we forget to even bother searching for reasons to smile. Because at that point of time, when we’re so caught up in trying to be depressed, we forget the simpler things in life. We forget that rainbows and sunshines exist for a reason. We forget the liberating feeling of dancing in the rain. We forget the alluring scent of roses. We even forget how fucking awesome it feels to have sex!!! Lets face it, life is not worth giving up when you can still have sex.

So if everyone goes through the same perpetual suicide cycle – Depression, Cliff hanger, Epiphany, Rejuvenation - Why bother stating the obvious? Well frankly, I’m just trying to save you all some time. Don’t waste your days devising devious ways of ending your miserable existence when you know you won’t do it. Tomorrow might never come, but yesterday most certainly won’t. You’ll never get back the days you lose. You will die someday. We all will. There is no need to speed up that process. Let mother nature do her thing. She’s good at what she does.

Sometimes we feel like giving up because our goals seem unattainable. We grow tired and impatient and immediately search for the easy way out. Well if you find one, good for you, but mind you... suicide is not the answer. You will regret it – whether you survive or live in purgatory – you will most certainly regret it.

You will get what you want if you truly want it... or you will die trying. But you will never die in fear of never achieving it. Because the fear of death conquers all other fears. Every breathing cell in our body wants to live. We were born to live, to let live and live some more. The odds are stacked against you.

Toh please bhai, Mother Nature se panga mat lena.

(So please, bro. Don’t pick a fight with mother nature.)